Troublemaking as Self-Discovery
I was in the first grade. I was standing in the doorway of the boys room, looking out into the hall, where Mrs. Zimmerman (no, not that one) was looking at me, in surprised horror at the door, slowly closing on her face. I would complete the shutting with the force of my sub-100 pound body, and in a swift, James Bond like motion, flicked the deadbolt to the locked position.
Staring at me, in their own shocked horror were my fellow classmates, who were coming to the realization that we now found ourselves in a Lord of the Flies situation, free to our own delights until, at least, the janitor quit fumbling with his keys.
It was only a minute or two, but it is my only memory of 1st grade to this day. It felt like hours to us boys. Hours of delightful troublemaking. I especially remember the reams of tightly would brown paper towels that became airborne in record time, only to be gathered and stuffed into every sink and toilet we could find. We emerged like swamp people, saturated sheets of paper towels draped down our arms. Soon we were testing the stickability of paper towel clods to all wall and celling surfaces.
By the time the janitors key flicked open the deadbolt, all fingers behind me were aimed directly at the back of my head. I was rightly accused, the kind and somewhat bashful kid had a moment, and started a riot.
That was the first time I remember getting in trouble. I can’t recall how any of my discipline unfolded, but I do know that I took a taste of a life path that did not bring me the kind of joy I thought it would. I think I too easily read the honest disappointment in the faces of the adults in my life. Their disappointment was my first inclination of how easily and intensely my empathetic heart can break. But it took getting in trouble to figure that out.
Luke 2: 41-50
Now every year his parents went to Jerusalem for the festival of the Passover. And when he was twelve years old, they went up as usual for the festival. When the festival was ended and they started to return, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but his parents were unaware of this. Assuming that he was in the group of travelers, they went a day’s journey. Then they started to look for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem to search for him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him they were astonished, and his mother said to him, “Child, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously looking for you.” He said to them, “Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” But they did not understand what he said to them.
In this season of life, I resonate more with Mary and Joseph than I do Jesus in this story. Considering it seems like one of the basic requirements of parenting not to lose your children, discovering your precious child is missing is terrifying for a parent, not to mention being left behind in a big city all by themselves. That’s why I can imagine the shock and confusion they must have felt when Jesus seemingly rebukes them for being worried. I guess you have to be fully God to be able to say to a scared parent, who searched all of Jerusalem for you for three days, “why are you looking for me? Like, DUH, where else would I be MOM?”
Had I said that to my mom I think I would have lost my Nintendo for at least a week.
But Jesus seems genuinely confused by how worked up they are, I imagine this was Jesus’ first time getting in trouble like this, but we all know it wouldn’t be his last. Because it seems as if Jesus spent his entire life knowing that he was stirring things up, and creating trouble for really important people. Whether intentionally or not, Jesus knew that his message and teachings were provocative. Getting himself into trouble with the authorities, by performing miracles on days he wasn’t supposed to, or refusing to follow the letter of the law, or claiming to be a King in a land already with one, Jesus’ message became crystal clear by the reaction it was receiving.
When Jesus says to his worried parents, “Didn’t you know that I had to be here, dealing with the things of my Father?” it was because he was in trouble that he was able to articulate, so clearly, what sits at the heart of his life and ministry, that he was here to be in the mix of things, to be in the seats of religious power, asking challenging questions, and giving equally provocative answers to people much older and seemingly wiser than him.
We sometimes sing a song here, which is an African American jubilee spiritual called “Wade in the Water” which has these interesting lyrics, “Wade in the water. Wade in the water, children. Wade in the water. God’s gonna trouble the water.” I’ve always wondered about that “God’s gonna trouble the water” part because I’ve so needed God to be a source of comfort these last few years that I don’t want to think of God as some kind of Divine wave machine intentionally making my life more difficult.
The writer Michael Mede writes, “trouble is different than simple problems, for problems can usually be solved, but what truly troubles us seems bigger than we are, it grabs ahold of us, and we find ourselves being pulled deeper and deeper into it. And thats the point of the trouble, to get us into deeper waters than we might choose to go on our own.”
When we, as a community, decided we would no longer comply with the Faith and Practice of Northwest Yearly Meeting on same sex relationships, we knew we were going to get in trouble.
In fact, we were considered “under discipline” by the Yearly Meeting elders. The hope, at the end of our disciplinary period, was that we would reverse our decision to welcome and affirm the Queer community, and return into the compliance with Northwest Yearly Meeting.
And what happened to our community during that time? We got into trouble, our conflict was covered one day on OPB’s Think out Loud, and soon we were having to set chairs up in the hallway to seat everyone here. Because we had gotten ourselves into trouble with NWYM, who we were, and what we knew we were standing for became crystal clear to us, and without any real need to advertise it, people got the message and wanted to come and see what a community that committed itself so fully to this kind of troublemaking was like.
Trouble is just as clarifying for an individual as it is for entire societies. I know, as a person with white skin, that I can think of troublemaking in this way, and not be overly concerned about being unjustly punished, or having my life taken from me. That people of color throughout history have risked being in trouble for justices sake, and lost their lives for it, is a humbling reminder of the bravery of those individuals to offer up their safety and well-being for an entire culture to become awake to the injustices they are facing.
And, so too, do we see the reactions to troubling the waters of white supremacy, heteronormativity, the gender binary, or capitalism…how quickly the systems and people who support them react, often using the full weight and power available to them, whether that be with police forces, armies, or lining pockets of politicians to ensure that things settle down, and return to normal. I have begun to notice when systems of oppression react this way, what is it telling us about who we are?
I can’t end a message about troublemaking without bringing in Congressman John Lewis, who famously said, “Do not get lost in a sea of despair. Be hopeful, be optimistic. Our struggle is not the struggle of a day, a week, a month, or a year, it is the struggle of a lifetime. Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble.”
Here are some queries:
How has trouble been a part of your self-discovery? What have you learned about yourself, others, or society from moments of trouble?
What is your current relationship with troublemaking? What was it like in the past?